Foreplay is often underestimated and overlooked, but it plays a crucial role in sexual intimacy. Many people believe that foreplay is just a prelude to sexual intercourse, but it is much more than that. It is an opportunity to build intimacy and connection between partners, and to experience pleasure and arousal in its own right. In this article, we will explore the benefits of foreplay and provide practical tips for incorporating it into your sexual routine.
In the past, I avoided using the word 'foreplay' with clients due to the connotation that it is merely a prelude to the main event, implying that something has to happen after it.
However, working with this assumption can be problematic for several reasons. As Ian Kerner, author of "She Comes First," explains, foreplay is actually "core play" for most women. This is especially true because intercourse is more sexually relevant for reproduction and the sexual pleasure of men, not necessarily the optimal pleasure of women.
Only about 20% of women achieve orgasm from intercourse alone, while most women can only achieve orgasm from clitoral stimulation. Therefore, foreplay is incredibly important as it can be a stand-alone event for pleasure and connection.
The expectation that foreplay is supposed to lead into intercourse can be pressure-filled and burdensome for many women, leading to the avoidance of any type of physical affection. The expectation that physical touch has to lead to sex often feels overwhelming to women, and when this pressure takes hold, it can often shut women down sexually. Sex becomes less fun, exciting, and intriguing when it is "goal-oriented," meaning there is an expectation of intercourse and orgasm.
When we shift our perspective to only having a goal of mutual pleasure, we become more free to enjoy the moment, lowering our walls and defenses, making further intimacy and even intercourse more attainable. Foreplay gives our minds and bodies the opportunity to be fully in the moment.
Most couples transition from kissing and very light touching right into intercourse. However, if we don't give ourselves the time to "rev up" into the moment, we may not be aroused enough to experience the full range of pleasure available to us. This is especially true because there is a significant difference in sexual response between men and women.
On average, it takes men about 3-7 minutes to achieve orgasm, while it can take women about 20-25 minutes in partnered sex. Foreplay is the best way to account for this gap, especially for people with responsive desire who need to experience a heightened state of arousal to actually be "in the mood."
What is Foreplay and Why is it Important?
Foreplay can refer to the physical and emotional actions that lead up to sexual intercourse. It includes a wide range of activities, from kissing and touching to oral sex and more. The purpose of foreplay is to build arousal and intimacy between partners and to help both individuals prepare for sexual activity.
One of the most significant benefits of foreplay is that it can help increase arousal levels in both partners. Arousal is an essential part of sexual intimacy, and without it, the sexual experience may not be as satisfying. By engaging in foreplay, partners can build anticipation, establish a deeper connection, and prepare their bodies and minds for sexual activity.
Benefits of Foreplay: Increased Arousal, Reduced Anxiety, and More
Foreplay provides a host of benefits that can enhance your sexual experience. Here are some of the most notable benefits:
Increased Arousal
Engaging in foreplay can help increase arousal levels in both partners. This can lead to a more satisfying sexual experience and increased intimacy between partners.
Reduced Anxiety
Sexual intimacy can be a vulnerable experience, and anxiety or stress can get in the way of enjoying it fully. By taking the time to engage in foreplay, partners can create a safe and comfortable environment that promotes relaxation and enjoyment.
Deeper Connection
Foreplay allows partners to connect emotionally and build intimacy before engaging in sexual activity. This can help establish a deeper connection between partners and enhance the overall sexual experience.
How to Incorporate Foreplay into Your Sexual Routine
Incorporating foreplay into your sexual routine doesn't have to be difficult or time-consuming.
Here are some practical tips for getting started:
Slow and sensual approach
Start with a slow and sensual approach to foreplay. Take your time exploring your partner's body, focusing on their erogenous zones such as the neck, ears, and inner thighs. Slow, intentional touch can help build anticipation and increase arousal levels.
Communicate with your partner
Communication is key in any sexual encounter, and this is especially true when it comes to foreplay. Talk to your partner about what they like and don't like, and what they're interested in trying. This will help create a safe and comfortable environment for both partners, and ensure that everyone is on the same page.
Emotional foreplay
Foreplay is not just about physical touch. Emotional foreplay can be incredibly powerful in building intimacy and arousal. This can include compliments, romantic gestures, and meaningful conversations that build connection and trust between partners. Consider taking the time to connect emotionally with your partner before engaging in physical intimacy.
Explore new sensations
Foreplay is a great opportunity to explore new sensations and experiences. Consider incorporating toys or other props into your foreplay routine, such as feathers, massage oils, or blindfolds. These can help to build anticipation and excitement, and add an element of surprise to your sexual encounters.
In addition to the benefits mentioned above, it's important to note that foreplay can be especially important for women's sexual pleasure. Research has shown that women are more likely to achieve orgasm from clitoral stimulation than from intercourse alone. This means that for many women, foreplay is an essential component of achieving sexual satisfaction.
However, it's important to note that foreplay is not just important for women. Men can also benefit from foreplay, both in terms of increasing their arousal levels and building intimacy with their partners. By focusing on mutual pleasure rather than specific goals, couples can enjoy a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual experience.
It's also worth noting that foreplay can be especially important for people with responsive desire. Responsive desire refers to a type of sexual desire that is not spontaneous, but rather emerges in response to sexual stimuli. For people with responsive desire, foreplay and intimacy are essential in helping them achieve a heightened state of arousal and become interested in sexual activity.
In conclusion, foreplay is an essential component of sexual intimacy that can help to increase arousal, build intimacy, and establish a deeper connection between partners. By taking a slow and sensual approach, communicating with your partner, exploring new sensations, and focusing on emotional connection, you can create a fulfilling and satisfying sexual experience. Don't rush into sex – take the time to explore and enjoy the journey of foreplay. With a little practice and intentionality, you can experience the benefits of foreplay and enjoy a more satisfying sexual experience with your partner.
Rachel Smith
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Board Certified Sex Therapist
You deserve to feel safe within your intimacy, and I'm specially trained to do that.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Sex Therapist, my main mission is to help you foster true intimacy within yourself by guiding you through the therapeutic healing journey.