In the intricate tapestry of human relationships, sexual compatibility emerges as a fundamental thread that binds couples together. It represents the delicate art of interweaving desires, emotions, and vulnerabilities to craft a masterpiece of intimate connection with our partners.
Understanding and achieving sexual compatibility is crucial for fostering a fulfilling and harmonious relationship. It allows partners to navigate the complexities of their sexual needs, preferences, and boundaries, promoting open communication and vulnerability.
Despite it being a critical aspect of any intimate relationship, sexual combability remains a topic often shrouded in mystery and misconceptions. In this blog, we'll explore the concept of sexual compatibility, uncover myths surrounding it, and delve into ways to improve this vital connection with your partner.
Before we begin, let's take a quick temperature check on your view of sexual compatibility.
Is Sexual Compatibility A Priority In Your Relationship?
Yes, because sex is an important part of my relationship.
No. I like to focus more on emotional compatibility.
What is Sexual Compatibility?
Sexual compatibility goes beyond mere physical attraction. It involves finding a balance between partners' sexual needs, desires, and preferences while fostering open and honest communication surrounding sex.
Achieving sexual compatibility requires vulnerability, authenticity, and a sense of fulfillment in one's sexual experiences. It encompasses how you define sex, your turn-ons and turn-offs, the desired environment, frequency, and duration of intimacy shared with your partner.
Furthermore, sexual compatibility entails mutual willingness and ability to accommodate each other's wants and needs, even if they don't always align simultaneously. It is a dynamic aspect of any relationship that contributes to the overall satisfaction and emotional connection between partners.
Improving Sexual Compatibility:
The Sandwich Approach
One of the most effective ways to enhance sexual compatibility is through open communication about your sexual experiences with your partner. The "Sandwich Approach" is a three-dimensional strategy that can help facilitate a meaningful and effective dialogue:
1. First Layer
Express appreciation for something you enjoyed in your recent sexual encounter. For example, "I love when you/we do (this)..."
2. Middle Layer
Share the aspects you did not enjoy. Communicate honestly, saying, "I didn't really like when we did (this)" or "(This) didn't really do it for me..."
3. Last Layer
Offer a concrete solution or make a request to try something different. For instance, "Can we do/try (this) next time instead?"
However, it's essential to have these conversations in a non-threatening space, away from the bedroom, to avoid negative associations with sex. Engaging in a "walk and talk" can create a safe environment for expressing thoughts and feelings.
Incorporating insights from these discussions into future sexual encounters can alleviate pleasure and bridge the gaps of compatibility, fostering a deeper emotional connection between partners.
Debunking Myths About Sexual Compatibility
Myth 1: Couples should engage in synchronous sex, meaning both partners have the same level of desire and arousal, while both partners receive pleasure and reach orgasm by the same means.
Although the best sex is in fact mutual and synchronous, research has found that the majority of sexual experiences are positive but asynchronous, meaning the experience may be better for one partner than the other.
Partners with a healthy sexual dynamic are open to asynchronous scenarios, realizing that not all sexual needs are mutual at the time of engagement, but should be reciprocated throughout sexual encounters. According to researchers, the key for healthy asynchronous sexuality is that it is not at the expense of the other partner or the relationship overall.
Myth 2: Couples Should Have the Same Level of Desire
False! It is quite common for partners to have differences in desire styles. That is, one partner may have spontaneous desire while the other may have a responsive desire style.
Spontaneous desire occurs when you mentally and emotionally want sex and then become physically aroused very quickly thereafter. People with spontaneous desire tend to think about sex more often and have it on the forefront of their minds, and is typically the person that initiates sex more often within relationships.
Responsive desire is the exact opposite. This type of desire occurs after being physically aroused, often while in the midst of a sexual experience. For people with responsive desire, sex is not thought about often, so these people typically do not initiate sex and seemingly tend to want sex less often. However, people with responsive desire report that sex is often enjoyed when it does happen and question why they don’t “want” it more often.
Differences in desire styles within a relationship requires partners to develop open and honest communication, as well as curiosity, compassion, and willingness to engage sexually. Despite differences in desire styles being one of the primary reasons for couples to seek sex therapy, there are plenty of ways to work through this and find a sexual rhythm within the partnership that is suitable for both partners.
Myth 3: It's Okay for the Partner with a Lower Libido to Engage in Sex out of "Duty"
Sex should NEVER feel like an obligation. If you’re only having sex because you feel pressured to do so, or you’re afraid you’re going to lose the relationship, or because it’s your “duty” to sexually fulfill your partner, that’s when we do NOT want to engage in sex.
This type of behavior burns us out intimately, because we feel like we need to sacrifice our own dominion over our body. In this case, however, it is CRUCIAL for you to understand your desire style. When you have a responsive desire, you may not be “in the mood” at the moment, but as long as it is not a “hard NO”, then it’s actually a good thing to be curious and open to engaging in a sexual experience with your partner.
It’s important to understand that maintenance sex, which is essentially “not really in the mood but let’s try it anyway,” sex, is not always a bad thing, so long as it’s being done under the right motivation. As long as your motivation for sex is to connect, share, play, and enjoy, then engaging in this type of sex is not always bad - as it offers you and your partner an opportunity to open up a conversation about sex and expand your emotional intimacy.
Myth 4: Every Couple Should Be Open to Trying New and Different Things
While exploring new experiences can be exciting, it's essential to prioritize emotional and physical well-being. It’s not always best for couples to explore all the things that are available to us sexually.
When engaging in acts that you are not comfortable with or ready for, this exploration may trigger traumas and/or heighten performance anxiety - leading to the opposite of what we want to achieve in sex: intimacy.
It’s okay for partners to have different preferences, and actually, it’s quite normal, as we are all different people. Instead of shying away all together, try talking about why you or your partner would want certain things, or where these desires came from so you develop a deeper understanding rather than “yucking your partner’s yum”, or in other words, making them feel bad about their sexual desires.
What we aim to do in sexual experiences is increase and explore intimacy, and not just sexually, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically, as well. Having non-judgmental conversations about both of your desires may help you better understand your partner and feel closer to them.
Walking Together Towards Lasting Intimacy
In the pursuit of sexual compatibility, remember that it is a journey of exploration and growth, unique to each couple. Embrace the beauty of your individuality and that of your partner, for it is through understanding and accepting these differences that true intimacy can flourish. By fostering open communication, compassion, and a willingness to explore each other's desires, you can build a deeper emotional connection that transcends physical intimacy.
As you embark on this path together, be patient and gentle with yourselves. Sexual compatibility is not a destination to reach but a continuous evolution in your relationship. Embrace the moments of vulnerability and celebrate the joy of shared experiences, as they pave the way for a more profound connection that extends beyond the bedroom.
Remember that sexual compatibility is not solely determined by physical prowess or desire; it encompasses emotional, mental, and spiritual connections too. By nourishing all aspects of your relationship, you create a solid foundation for a lasting and fulfilling partnership.
Lastly, always approach sexual compatibility with an open mind and a sense of adventure. Be willing to explore new possibilities together, free from judgment and misconceptions. Embrace the excitement of discovering each other in new and unexpected ways, as you journey towards a harmonious and deeply satisfying intimate connection.
In the end, sexual compatibility is a beautiful dance of love, trust, and understanding. With each step you take together, you draw closer to unlocking the true potential of your relationship and forging a bond that withstands the test of time. So, seize the opportunity to create a love story that celebrates the unique harmony you and your partner share, and let the magic of sexual compatibility weave its enchanting spell over your relationship.
Rachel Smith
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Board Certified Sex Therapist
I have a passion for empowering ambitious women and committed couples on a journey of love and healing to rekindle passion and deepen connections. As the founder of Infinite Intimacy, I offer therapeutic services, workshops, and retreats to help clients be their authentic selves in life and relationships.